The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
