Hey man sorry I got all grabby
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
