um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Randomize
