Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Randomize
