i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
