That's when you crack a 10am beer
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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