I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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