You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
This is the prime rib incident all over again
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
