On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
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