piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
