I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
