someone threw a dead crab at me
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
