where's my purse there's an important taco in it
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I can't turn off my feet"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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