His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize