bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Randomize
