his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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