I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
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