Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
