Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
