oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
