I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
