goodnight i made you a song goodbye
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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