Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
