My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
