I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
