I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
