She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Randomize
