he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
