im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Just pee around me
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
