I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
