i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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