I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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