from now on my penis is your penis
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
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