I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
