Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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