i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
