2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
