He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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