I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
