Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
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