Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
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