god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
