3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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