Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
