I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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