I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
