He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
