Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
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