you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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