Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
