The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize