i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
