I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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