So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
