So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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