Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
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