oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
My hand turned me down
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
