Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
